As an 'older' woman dating, who was once a younger woman dating, I can't help but notice the 'trend' of older to much older men preferring to date young women.
The most messaged age for a woman is 26, according to some statistics, and I am sure other studies might quote a slightly younger or older age as THE most desirable, we cannot get past the fact that youth is VERY attractive to a large group of men.
To the point that is is completely normal, and unquestioned that younger women are in fact, THE most desirable.
When I was younger, I assumed when I was older myself, I would understand this fixation on youth, from men.
Well, her I am, 44 with a 27 year old son. And, I am not the least bit sexually attracted to men my sons age. In fact, I have a hard time seeing people more than 7 years up or down from my age as potential partners, or sexually attracted to them.
Now, to be fair, we all have different things that turn our cranks. Some people like youth, some people like nerds, some people like slim, and on and on.. some people even like beards, canes, and vests. Different strokes, and all that. Diversity makes the world interesting.
But, here is where I have issues.
When people argue, BUT SCIENCE!!
These science lovers argue that men are mainly interested in dating younger women as biology dictates they can reproduce with younger and thusly more fertile, women. They can't help it!! It is beyond their control, and completely natural to be attracted to younger women.. cuts BABIES.
Really? REALLY? men LOVERS THEM SOME BABIES. Cuts BIOLOGY!!
If this were true, that NATURE and BIOLOGY dictate that men are attracted to youth because hey just NEED BABIES so badly.. well, what were they doing with their youth? Where they all out having families and BABIES?
man, 'OMG DID you see that hugely pregnant lady! Her husband is the LUCKIEST MAN ever!! I bet that lucky bastard is having TWINS!!!' he enthuses.."why, I would happily work 2 jobs to support a large family, sadly my wife and I have only had 4 children.. and I LOVE THEM SO much.'
Man to his partner 'I think it is time to get little Timmy his first baby doll toy, I think it is only natural that we foster fatherly feelings in him. No doubt he will want a large family, like his dad, lots of babies!!"
Men at the 'water cooler' .. man 1bragging..'my wife is still chubby from our last baby, it almost looks like she is still pregnant..' man 2 'wow you are one lucky man.. my wife only wanted 2 children, and a break in-between... i sure wish she were younger and could have many many more babies. Sadly we we waited a few years to start a family. You were so smart to marry young, even if you have to work double shifts and can't afford decent housing, hobbies or a nice car, IT IS SO worth it to have lots of babies. most natural thing in the world."
And of course, with men JUST LOVING them some babies, we NEVER hear about 'dead beat dads' or a man responding with ANYTHING LESS THAN UNBRIDLED PASSION when his partner announces her pregnancy. CUS BIOLOGY!!
Right? MEN LOVE and NEED them some babies. THAT explains men in their 40s-60s looking to date women in their 20s!! MY GODS this is so simple! how can we deny men babies? Sure, it SEEMS unfair to deny a women her youth having babies for old men, but these men CLEARLY could not have babies in their youth, no doubt they were all locked up and CRUELY PREVENTED from having babies in their own youth. It is only natural they are seeking out younger women, not due to ATTRACTION or social conditioning, but mainly and almost exclusively due to biology.
Yes, it sounds ridiculous. Yet I and other women are supposed to understand then men our age chase women 10-20 years younger. We are told to not be bitter, or silly, it isn't personal, it is BIOLOGY and you can't fight nature!
and the young women subjected to years of unwanted attentions from older men, their feelings and preferences are ignored. they are told to 'be flattered' and to understand, its biology. if you look 'breedable' you have to expect men can't control their urges and will solicit your attentions.
even if you are as young as 12, which is when MANY women start to experience the sexual attentions of older men. Doubt me? Honestly, I don't really care. I have talked to enough women, and, I am a women, and I am telling you, this is pretty standard.
but, do your own research if you need to. I am not doing that here. this is my blog, my opinions. based on my life, my experiences.
moving on. I think we can see that the baby / biology argument is false.
So, why DO men want younger women? Some men are honest enough to say, they simply LIKE the look, the energy, the way younger women make them feel.
Okay, fair enough :)
You like her energy as you yourself have the energy of a 20 year old? Really? I won't even argue this one. If you honestly believe you have that level of energy, go for it. BUT don't shame her into staying home and chilling when she wants to go out, okay?
Men like how a younger woman makes them feel. At least this is honest. Shallow, but honest.
Yet, I think there is another reason men like younger women. IF they only like the energy and 'youthful' looks, they would date young looking, energetic women their own age. BUT....they don't.. they are drawn to the inexperience of the younger women. They want to be with someone who 'doesn't nag them' to get a job, pay a bill, or 'make something' of their lives. They harp on how women their own age are too 'baggy and demanding'.
Really, do a google search why dating a younger women is a good thing...
Men actually admit to this, without shame.
Now, am I upset some immature and possibly irresponsible men want to capitalize on dating a younger woman? Do I think they should be denied this because I find it distasteful?
NO. But I do think we need to stop excusing this behaviour with the cries of 'but biology' and hold men to a higher standard.
From the ill effects we see in hollywood where a woman plays mother to men OLDER than her, to denying the feelings and experiences of young women, this failed thinking and excuse making only hurts decent men, and many many women and young ladies.
Sunday, 29 November 2015
Wednesday, 11 November 2015
My First Sex Toy
Thats correct, I am in my mid forties and have finally taken the plunge, my first vibrator.
The purchase;
one pretty pink, sparkly gel 6.5 vibe vibrator
watermelon heating lube
toy cleaner
water based lube
From Pink Cherry
The Vibe. Battery operated. Smaller than I thought it would be, but, it did the job.
I did some reading online, how to use a vibrator for the first time. It suggested that one prepare oneself for insertion.
Honestly, I have no idea why I waited so long to get one! It was awesome.
I wish i would have gotten one 15 years ago.. at least. I had a G spot orgasim within minutes of use. I was worried it would be awkward to use. you twist the bast to turn it on, and increase the vibrations. It was pretty quiet as well.. important if you don't live alone!
The lube; the Wet, heating watermelon lube, just a small amount, and yet, it does get you in the mood. it does taste sweet, but it is a tiny bit sticky.
There were two water based lubes, one pink cherry brand, the other, I forget. Great idea, again, WHY DID I WAIT SO LONG TO GET LUBE!!!!
I have already ordered a larger vibrator and more lube. I am sure it will be nice to use, if I ever have sex with a person again..LOL
The new vibrator is 7.5 inches..maybe I will let you know....
verdict. Online shopping for sex toys, easy peasy. It really does come in a plain brown box. If you don't have one, GET ONE!! or two. Start smaller, GET LUBE!!! and enjoy.
The purchase;
one pretty pink, sparkly gel 6.5 vibe vibrator
watermelon heating lube
toy cleaner
water based lube
From Pink Cherry
The Vibe. Battery operated. Smaller than I thought it would be, but, it did the job.
I did some reading online, how to use a vibrator for the first time. It suggested that one prepare oneself for insertion.
Honestly, I have no idea why I waited so long to get one! It was awesome.
I wish i would have gotten one 15 years ago.. at least. I had a G spot orgasim within minutes of use. I was worried it would be awkward to use. you twist the bast to turn it on, and increase the vibrations. It was pretty quiet as well.. important if you don't live alone!
The lube; the Wet, heating watermelon lube, just a small amount, and yet, it does get you in the mood. it does taste sweet, but it is a tiny bit sticky.
There were two water based lubes, one pink cherry brand, the other, I forget. Great idea, again, WHY DID I WAIT SO LONG TO GET LUBE!!!!
I have already ordered a larger vibrator and more lube. I am sure it will be nice to use, if I ever have sex with a person again..LOL
The new vibrator is 7.5 inches..maybe I will let you know....
verdict. Online shopping for sex toys, easy peasy. It really does come in a plain brown box. If you don't have one, GET ONE!! or two. Start smaller, GET LUBE!!! and enjoy.
Sunday, 8 November 2015
time passes
Time passes. Marches on. Even after a tragic event, or loss. Time for those of us left, ticks away. You might feel it stands still, yet your mortgage will still be due on the same dates, dinner is still served (and expected if you normally prepare it) at the same time. In short, while time feels different it in fact isn't. You've changed. Not the world, just you. And you won't find many concessions to your grieving.
It can feel surreal to see life go on, after losing a loved one, or going through something traumatic. How? How can we all, how can I, go on after this? But you do. Somehow you do. You might feel numb, not remember doing things, but you do. You do them, you keep going.
Mourning doesn't stop though. You are forever changed. Yet, no one seems to be able to see it. They think that because you are going through the motions, you are okay. And they want you to be okay. No one wants to keep dealing with your grief, least of all you. You want it to be over, and you fear it ending, as it feels like the last you have of your loved one. If it was a traumatic event, you want to be over it, yet, you can't go back to who you were before, and you are angry that you end up left as you are.
you don't want to be changed, to forever see the world differently. You don't want that. You want things to go back to how they were before.
But they can't and you are changed.
It can feel surreal to see life go on, after losing a loved one, or going through something traumatic. How? How can we all, how can I, go on after this? But you do. Somehow you do. You might feel numb, not remember doing things, but you do. You do them, you keep going.
Mourning doesn't stop though. You are forever changed. Yet, no one seems to be able to see it. They think that because you are going through the motions, you are okay. And they want you to be okay. No one wants to keep dealing with your grief, least of all you. You want it to be over, and you fear it ending, as it feels like the last you have of your loved one. If it was a traumatic event, you want to be over it, yet, you can't go back to who you were before, and you are angry that you end up left as you are.
you don't want to be changed, to forever see the world differently. You don't want that. You want things to go back to how they were before.
But they can't and you are changed.
do feminists dye their hair?
Do feminists dye their hair?
the short answer is yes, of course they do. Feminists can and do wear makeup, shave their legs, not shave their legs, dye their hair, have casual sex, are celibate.... you get the idea. In a perfect world, women would be able to choose to do the above mentioned things, and more, depending on what they wanted.
in the real world, however, it is not as straight forward as that. If women choose to NOT do things that are expected of them, there is a price to pay.
Choosing to not dye your hair, for example. When nearly every woman under 64 is dying, or somehow colour treating their hair, it is hard to be one of the few to not do so. You stand out. You look older. You are going to be noticed. And this isn't always bad. If you want to look older, that is. And stand out for it.
Does this mean you HAVE to dye your hair? Of course not.
I am 44, my hair is 70% (or more) white. The rest is dark dark brown. I look about 5ish with it undid. No one questions that I have a grown son. People assume my friend, 12 years younger, is my daughter. Senior citizens hit on me....
At the same time, none of that means I have to dye my hair. No one has a gun, or even a stick, pointed in my direction.
But anyone who thinks that means I really have a choice, is ignoring the bigger picture.
If I ignore that, I am am denying the experiences of myself, and other women.
A better question, though, would be why so very many women dye their hair.
It is costly, time consuming and doesn't actually make us healthier, or have any tangible physical impact on us. It is bad for the environment, and possibly for us as well.
Yet for as long as we have recorded history, we have been dying our hair.
For fun? sometimes. I started dying my hair for fun. I was 14 when my mom brought home my first dye. Flirt, in a dark plum. It coated my dark hair and made it have a purple hue in the sun. I loved it!!!
I started getting a few stray white hairs at 15. By 30 I had to dye my hair to cover the white. And I did.
Recently I decided enough of dying my hair. I let it grow out. I loved it!!!
I loved seeing and feeling my own hair.. for the first time since I was in my teens. It was healthy, thick, and it was cool seeing my own colour.
Until people started assuming I was in my 50's... and even then, I figured it was okay.
I am also dating. And, lets be honest, I am not going to be attracting guys my own age, or even in their 50s, with white hair. Men tend to want to date 5-10 years younger (minimum). That doesn't leave me a lot of men to choose from.
Again, yes, it is a choice. I choose to not shave my legs, I choose to not obsess over my weight, and I chose to not dye my hair.
And I also realized that by those choices, I was seriously limiting the men attracted to me. Something had to give. If I liked it or not..
So I dyed my hair. I have three times the profile views on POF in the first few days of posting pictures of me with none white hair..
(I had one guy who originally wanted to meet me, cancel when he saw the white haired pictures. I posted both dyed and non dyed.. both pictures in the last 6 months. Same weight, glasses and all.. just the hair different. And he said no thanks.. )
the short answer is yes, of course they do. Feminists can and do wear makeup, shave their legs, not shave their legs, dye their hair, have casual sex, are celibate.... you get the idea. In a perfect world, women would be able to choose to do the above mentioned things, and more, depending on what they wanted.
in the real world, however, it is not as straight forward as that. If women choose to NOT do things that are expected of them, there is a price to pay.
Choosing to not dye your hair, for example. When nearly every woman under 64 is dying, or somehow colour treating their hair, it is hard to be one of the few to not do so. You stand out. You look older. You are going to be noticed. And this isn't always bad. If you want to look older, that is. And stand out for it.
Does this mean you HAVE to dye your hair? Of course not.
I am 44, my hair is 70% (or more) white. The rest is dark dark brown. I look about 5ish with it undid. No one questions that I have a grown son. People assume my friend, 12 years younger, is my daughter. Senior citizens hit on me....
But anyone who thinks that means I really have a choice, is ignoring the bigger picture.
If I ignore that, I am am denying the experiences of myself, and other women.
A better question, though, would be why so very many women dye their hair.
It is costly, time consuming and doesn't actually make us healthier, or have any tangible physical impact on us. It is bad for the environment, and possibly for us as well.
Yet for as long as we have recorded history, we have been dying our hair.
For fun? sometimes. I started dying my hair for fun. I was 14 when my mom brought home my first dye. Flirt, in a dark plum. It coated my dark hair and made it have a purple hue in the sun. I loved it!!!
I started getting a few stray white hairs at 15. By 30 I had to dye my hair to cover the white. And I did.
Recently I decided enough of dying my hair. I let it grow out. I loved it!!!
I loved seeing and feeling my own hair.. for the first time since I was in my teens. It was healthy, thick, and it was cool seeing my own colour.
Until people started assuming I was in my 50's... and even then, I figured it was okay.
I am also dating. And, lets be honest, I am not going to be attracting guys my own age, or even in their 50s, with white hair. Men tend to want to date 5-10 years younger (minimum). That doesn't leave me a lot of men to choose from.
Again, yes, it is a choice. I choose to not shave my legs, I choose to not obsess over my weight, and I chose to not dye my hair.
And I also realized that by those choices, I was seriously limiting the men attracted to me. Something had to give. If I liked it or not..
So I dyed my hair. I have three times the profile views on POF in the first few days of posting pictures of me with none white hair..
(I had one guy who originally wanted to meet me, cancel when he saw the white haired pictures. I posted both dyed and non dyed.. both pictures in the last 6 months. Same weight, glasses and all.. just the hair different. And he said no thanks.. )
Sunday, 1 November 2015
how my marriage ended
Oh the joys of online dating.
It has been almost a year of online dating as as singleton. I started dating the summer of last year, while I was still married.
We were trying out poly, or to some people, an open marriage. We taked a LOT and agreed to ground rules, that worked for us. We talked about what we, or to be specific, what I wanted. (we had tried poly a few years ago, for my husband, but it didn't work out. His personality was not a bold one, he could only meet women I brought to him, and this got old for me, pretty fast)
Myself, I started out dating only women. wow, talk about a small pond!! You try finding a poly bi woman.. yah.. yet, I put myself out there and did meet women.
I was on OK Cupid and Fet Life. I joined poly groups, read a lot of message boards and blogs.
I met Tracey, who seemed pretty awesome. We met at a Poly Mixer in New West. Through Fet Life. last summer.
As my husband was okay with it,we would go to meet ups together. He was not interested in dating, I suspect because he was worried he would not be able to find women to date. He suffered from low self esteem. But he went and seemed interested in my experiences.
However, after I met Tracey, he decided to give it a go himself. He specifically was interested in Tracey. This went against our rules, as to not dating each others partners. We just were not ready for that, it was a mutual decision. BUT like many rules, one cannot makes rules for the heart, so I excused his lack of respect for our rules. My mistake, though at the time I thought I was just being a good partner and putting his needs first. Like I said, a mistake. TBH, our marriage was a great deal of my putting his needs first, as I would discover later on.
This is all history for me now, as it happened last summer. Over a year ago now.
Tracey also seemed interested in my husband. My husband and I talked, and I agreed I would back off, and let him pursue a relationship with her. However, Tracey did not agree to this. She was rather pissed off, and told him so. I think she hoped to see me, or both of us, but certainly not just him. My husband took it hard, but he decided to actively pursue women after that. He set up an OK Cupid profile for himself.
I won't go into it right now, but I did see a whole new side to him, watching how he dated. WOW. What an eye opener. If it were possible, I would love to see any future partner date, just to see how they treat women. Though, I suspect that what I should do is demand a higher standard of treatment for myself.
More will follow on how HE dated. This is about my dating experiences.
After this I met a lovely woman, R. She was pretty, sweet, and we had a lot in common. She had two boyfriends and more experience in the poly world. We got along great and established right at the start that we were not sleeping with each others partners.
My husband and I went to her place for a kinky poly meet up dinner. It was nice. The crowd was more our ages, and we had a good time. My husband, lets call him C, was impressed with how well R and her partners all got along. C assumed that with two or more men, there would be fighting. He was so impressed he said I could date men, if I so chose to do. Besides he said, it seemed 'so easy for me to see him date other women, it couldn't be that hard.' I did caution that it was actually a bit of work, to see ones partner date, and it did take effort on my part. I had poly friends to talk to, I was very honest with myself, and took emotional inventory often.
He wasn't swayed, he felt we could handle this, more specifically, that he could handle it. easy peasy.
Well, let me tell you, it is WAY easier to meet poly dudes than poly bi women!!!
I started looking for men as well as women. I had a fair amount of interest, and that did depress C as he (being a dude) had less interest. I was usually talking to 2-3 different men at a time, going on dates every weekend. Yet, despite this, no one clicked.
Until J. The date started as awkwardly as any other date, we met for coffee. He was cute enough, a bit shy, and older than I was used to dating, but, we got along well texting...
We had coffee and went for a walk, and really clicked. He turned me on, it was exciting and fun. We had a couple of dates, he met my hubby, and by the third date we were intimate. and by intimate, I mean fucking like bunnies. The sex was AWESOME. He even slept over, in the spare bed, though no sex.
Meanwhile, C is NOT taking this well.. not at all.. In fact, even though he has met someone, Shauna, he is rather upset at my success.. and he is VERY upset I am having sex. He won't give his new GF up, and he won't ask me to give J up, instead, he breaks up with me.
Honestly, at this point it is a relief. He has been moody and mean to me. Making fun of my feminism, and saying other hurtful things. I don't want to go into it now, but I could see things were not going well for us.
Now you might ask, why not call the whole thing off? I suppose if I hadn't seen that side of him, if he was still the man I fell in love with, I would have. But seeing this side of him, well, honestly, I didn't want to be with him. I just didn't have the courage to end it, or maybe I just wanted to keep trying. I am still deciding the answer as to why I stayed, even when he clearly had so little respect for me.
So, J and I still saw each other. We met mid November, and early December C broke it off with me. By mid December C was packed and by Xmas he was gone. I broke it off with J by Xmas, and was back together with him by the end of December. It was an emotional time for me, and REALLY FUCKING hard.
You can judge me, I can see that it would be easy to. Whatever, we can always judge each other. Easy peasy.
I took a break from dating anyone excepting J. He seemed to be happy to just date me as well. But things changed between us. I doubt he ever had any intention of just dating me. It was different when I had a 'main' relationship. We broke up for good early January. I took a break from dating.
When I did start dating again, I was different. No longer as optimistic, tired, worn out and sad, I was a different person, coming from a different place. I took regular breaks, met a few men and women, but nothing ever happened. In fact, I haven't had sex this year. I suspect I will end the year without having had sex. Yah to a sexless 2015.
J and I have stayed friends. and by stayed friends, I mean that if I don't contact him, he ignores me. I am not sure, but, I feel hung up on him still. I just can't seem to let it go. I have tried to understand why, but, I never fully resolve it for myself. He has been over for dinner... he seems to be completely uninterested in me as a partner, I did ask if he was even interested in FWB as the sex, for a bit, had been really good. Now, I just can't trust him enough to think of having sex with him, yet still, I have to confess, I miss him.
This post is getting long, and I find I am starting to ramble.
Dating, it is fucking hard. I guess this is a prelude, and the next post will go more into that.
It has been almost a year of online dating as as singleton. I started dating the summer of last year, while I was still married.
We were trying out poly, or to some people, an open marriage. We taked a LOT and agreed to ground rules, that worked for us. We talked about what we, or to be specific, what I wanted. (we had tried poly a few years ago, for my husband, but it didn't work out. His personality was not a bold one, he could only meet women I brought to him, and this got old for me, pretty fast)
Myself, I started out dating only women. wow, talk about a small pond!! You try finding a poly bi woman.. yah.. yet, I put myself out there and did meet women.
I was on OK Cupid and Fet Life. I joined poly groups, read a lot of message boards and blogs.
I met Tracey, who seemed pretty awesome. We met at a Poly Mixer in New West. Through Fet Life. last summer.
As my husband was okay with it,we would go to meet ups together. He was not interested in dating, I suspect because he was worried he would not be able to find women to date. He suffered from low self esteem. But he went and seemed interested in my experiences.
However, after I met Tracey, he decided to give it a go himself. He specifically was interested in Tracey. This went against our rules, as to not dating each others partners. We just were not ready for that, it was a mutual decision. BUT like many rules, one cannot makes rules for the heart, so I excused his lack of respect for our rules. My mistake, though at the time I thought I was just being a good partner and putting his needs first. Like I said, a mistake. TBH, our marriage was a great deal of my putting his needs first, as I would discover later on.
This is all history for me now, as it happened last summer. Over a year ago now.
Tracey also seemed interested in my husband. My husband and I talked, and I agreed I would back off, and let him pursue a relationship with her. However, Tracey did not agree to this. She was rather pissed off, and told him so. I think she hoped to see me, or both of us, but certainly not just him. My husband took it hard, but he decided to actively pursue women after that. He set up an OK Cupid profile for himself.
I won't go into it right now, but I did see a whole new side to him, watching how he dated. WOW. What an eye opener. If it were possible, I would love to see any future partner date, just to see how they treat women. Though, I suspect that what I should do is demand a higher standard of treatment for myself.
More will follow on how HE dated. This is about my dating experiences.
After this I met a lovely woman, R. She was pretty, sweet, and we had a lot in common. She had two boyfriends and more experience in the poly world. We got along great and established right at the start that we were not sleeping with each others partners.
My husband and I went to her place for a kinky poly meet up dinner. It was nice. The crowd was more our ages, and we had a good time. My husband, lets call him C, was impressed with how well R and her partners all got along. C assumed that with two or more men, there would be fighting. He was so impressed he said I could date men, if I so chose to do. Besides he said, it seemed 'so easy for me to see him date other women, it couldn't be that hard.' I did caution that it was actually a bit of work, to see ones partner date, and it did take effort on my part. I had poly friends to talk to, I was very honest with myself, and took emotional inventory often.
He wasn't swayed, he felt we could handle this, more specifically, that he could handle it. easy peasy.
Well, let me tell you, it is WAY easier to meet poly dudes than poly bi women!!!
I started looking for men as well as women. I had a fair amount of interest, and that did depress C as he (being a dude) had less interest. I was usually talking to 2-3 different men at a time, going on dates every weekend. Yet, despite this, no one clicked.
Until J. The date started as awkwardly as any other date, we met for coffee. He was cute enough, a bit shy, and older than I was used to dating, but, we got along well texting...
We had coffee and went for a walk, and really clicked. He turned me on, it was exciting and fun. We had a couple of dates, he met my hubby, and by the third date we were intimate. and by intimate, I mean fucking like bunnies. The sex was AWESOME. He even slept over, in the spare bed, though no sex.
Meanwhile, C is NOT taking this well.. not at all.. In fact, even though he has met someone, Shauna, he is rather upset at my success.. and he is VERY upset I am having sex. He won't give his new GF up, and he won't ask me to give J up, instead, he breaks up with me.
Honestly, at this point it is a relief. He has been moody and mean to me. Making fun of my feminism, and saying other hurtful things. I don't want to go into it now, but I could see things were not going well for us.
Now you might ask, why not call the whole thing off? I suppose if I hadn't seen that side of him, if he was still the man I fell in love with, I would have. But seeing this side of him, well, honestly, I didn't want to be with him. I just didn't have the courage to end it, or maybe I just wanted to keep trying. I am still deciding the answer as to why I stayed, even when he clearly had so little respect for me.
So, J and I still saw each other. We met mid November, and early December C broke it off with me. By mid December C was packed and by Xmas he was gone. I broke it off with J by Xmas, and was back together with him by the end of December. It was an emotional time for me, and REALLY FUCKING hard.
You can judge me, I can see that it would be easy to. Whatever, we can always judge each other. Easy peasy.
I took a break from dating anyone excepting J. He seemed to be happy to just date me as well. But things changed between us. I doubt he ever had any intention of just dating me. It was different when I had a 'main' relationship. We broke up for good early January. I took a break from dating.
When I did start dating again, I was different. No longer as optimistic, tired, worn out and sad, I was a different person, coming from a different place. I took regular breaks, met a few men and women, but nothing ever happened. In fact, I haven't had sex this year. I suspect I will end the year without having had sex. Yah to a sexless 2015.
J and I have stayed friends. and by stayed friends, I mean that if I don't contact him, he ignores me. I am not sure, but, I feel hung up on him still. I just can't seem to let it go. I have tried to understand why, but, I never fully resolve it for myself. He has been over for dinner... he seems to be completely uninterested in me as a partner, I did ask if he was even interested in FWB as the sex, for a bit, had been really good. Now, I just can't trust him enough to think of having sex with him, yet still, I have to confess, I miss him.
This post is getting long, and I find I am starting to ramble.
Dating, it is fucking hard. I guess this is a prelude, and the next post will go more into that.
Friday, 23 October 2015
less
One resounding and repeating message we receive as women;
be less in order to be good enough.
bodies
we need to weigh less, and be critiqued that we are too caught up in our looks. we need to monitor what we eat, in order to weigh less, resulting in our being accused with having an eating problem. if we eat, the same will be said. if we choose to opt out, to not participate in the fixation on our bodies, our weight, we will be punished. how? if we end up 'too' fat, less clothing options, and public and private ridicule, for starters. after that it will impact everything from our work to our health care.
sex
we need to have less sex, but we need to have more sex. less sex with people of our choosing, more sex with people that others choose for us. this one is pretty straight forward. slut shaming is real, and, lets not lie to ourselves, we have ALL participated in it. it doesn't mean we all need to CONTINUE participating in it.
capabilities
we need to not 'show' men up. if we happen to be handy, smart, or anything else a man might want to be, we need to not 'brag'. we need to let men take credit for the 'manly' things we do.. and by manly, we mean anything that men respect. if you are at work, and a man takes credit for your 'logic' that is okay, as men just logic better. besides, if not for a man allowing us women to be at work, we wouldn't even be there! at a home, if we women happen to be handy or even stronger than our men folks, we need to let them take credit for it. trust me, it won't be hard. everyone will assume that he did it anyway. and, gods forbid you are allowed to take credit for your 'manly' work, you will have to make up for it, by being extra girly in other ways.. maybe wear lots of makeup, cook lots, and take the jeering that will come along with your usurping your man. if anyone even believes you. doubtful they will. if they do, they will also feel a bit sorry for your man.
however
if he does 'womanly' things, like actually look after his own kids, you will be made to feel badly that he had to. after all, isn't that your job? gods forbid he changes diapers, and if he does, he will in all likely hood receive sainthood for it. as well he deserves, for babysitting is kids.. my gods woman, the nerve!!
space
if we women get a space, like say, a craft/hobby/sewing room, we express our gratitude by making things. we cannot spend our time doing nothing! we probably spend tons of time shopping and spending our mens money anyway! lol!!
men, they get a man cave in which they do.. nothing. they watch tv, play games, maybe they tie flies, maybe they have a garage and build / fix things.. if they do, they will no doubt equate the kitchen as our domain.
we need to apologize if the do take up space, we need to atone. from sitting down on public transit, where we keep all limbs as close to our body as we can, saying sorry when we do ask for the seat blocked by others... we contort and squeeze ourselves into the space left for us. we say sorry.
we understand men naturally take up more space. we make fun of women who demand the same. we accuse them of being whiny. we point fingers at them. we negate their experiences and call into question their ability to 'reason' and 'logic'.
history
i am not sure how much i need to actually say about this. men feature predominantly in our history lessons, books, art, and knowledge. we are told, of course, it is because women don't do anything noteworthy, only to find out that they do.. and then again, we are told that they only did because men allowed, facilitated or supported us in doing so. as if any man acted in a bubble of complete self reliance. but we cannot questions to much, or we again, are told we are irrational, and have no place in academia if we can't control our emotions.
emotions
men are allowed to be passionate, moody, and even violent in the name of emotions. love, sports, territory, family or just stress justify a mans (usually violent or aggressive) expression of emotions. we women, we are told to get a grip, take control of ourselves, and even to 'see things his way' when we express ourselves. or we are ridiculed. don't believe me?
take a sporting event. watch the men. see them freak out? riot even?
take a boy band. watch women crying, make fun of the emotion.
what is the difference? we place more value on the entertainment when done by men, for men, than when it is done by men, for women.
i could go on and on. and on and on.
until we get to a place when what is viewed as traditional 'female' is not viewed as less, we won't conquer the issue of gender favouritism. we all need to examen how we react to the above issues, and more. how we are willing to excuse the poor treatment of women and girls... and men who choose to embrace the 'feminine' parts of themselves. we really need to get rid of the boxes. as much as we can.
be less in order to be good enough.
bodies
we need to weigh less, and be critiqued that we are too caught up in our looks. we need to monitor what we eat, in order to weigh less, resulting in our being accused with having an eating problem. if we eat, the same will be said. if we choose to opt out, to not participate in the fixation on our bodies, our weight, we will be punished. how? if we end up 'too' fat, less clothing options, and public and private ridicule, for starters. after that it will impact everything from our work to our health care.
sex
we need to have less sex, but we need to have more sex. less sex with people of our choosing, more sex with people that others choose for us. this one is pretty straight forward. slut shaming is real, and, lets not lie to ourselves, we have ALL participated in it. it doesn't mean we all need to CONTINUE participating in it.
capabilities
we need to not 'show' men up. if we happen to be handy, smart, or anything else a man might want to be, we need to not 'brag'. we need to let men take credit for the 'manly' things we do.. and by manly, we mean anything that men respect. if you are at work, and a man takes credit for your 'logic' that is okay, as men just logic better. besides, if not for a man allowing us women to be at work, we wouldn't even be there! at a home, if we women happen to be handy or even stronger than our men folks, we need to let them take credit for it. trust me, it won't be hard. everyone will assume that he did it anyway. and, gods forbid you are allowed to take credit for your 'manly' work, you will have to make up for it, by being extra girly in other ways.. maybe wear lots of makeup, cook lots, and take the jeering that will come along with your usurping your man. if anyone even believes you. doubtful they will. if they do, they will also feel a bit sorry for your man.
however
if he does 'womanly' things, like actually look after his own kids, you will be made to feel badly that he had to. after all, isn't that your job? gods forbid he changes diapers, and if he does, he will in all likely hood receive sainthood for it. as well he deserves, for babysitting is kids.. my gods woman, the nerve!!
space
if we women get a space, like say, a craft/hobby/sewing room, we express our gratitude by making things. we cannot spend our time doing nothing! we probably spend tons of time shopping and spending our mens money anyway! lol!!
men, they get a man cave in which they do.. nothing. they watch tv, play games, maybe they tie flies, maybe they have a garage and build / fix things.. if they do, they will no doubt equate the kitchen as our domain.
we need to apologize if the do take up space, we need to atone. from sitting down on public transit, where we keep all limbs as close to our body as we can, saying sorry when we do ask for the seat blocked by others... we contort and squeeze ourselves into the space left for us. we say sorry.
we understand men naturally take up more space. we make fun of women who demand the same. we accuse them of being whiny. we point fingers at them. we negate their experiences and call into question their ability to 'reason' and 'logic'.
history
i am not sure how much i need to actually say about this. men feature predominantly in our history lessons, books, art, and knowledge. we are told, of course, it is because women don't do anything noteworthy, only to find out that they do.. and then again, we are told that they only did because men allowed, facilitated or supported us in doing so. as if any man acted in a bubble of complete self reliance. but we cannot questions to much, or we again, are told we are irrational, and have no place in academia if we can't control our emotions.
emotions
men are allowed to be passionate, moody, and even violent in the name of emotions. love, sports, territory, family or just stress justify a mans (usually violent or aggressive) expression of emotions. we women, we are told to get a grip, take control of ourselves, and even to 'see things his way' when we express ourselves. or we are ridiculed. don't believe me?
take a sporting event. watch the men. see them freak out? riot even?
take a boy band. watch women crying, make fun of the emotion.
what is the difference? we place more value on the entertainment when done by men, for men, than when it is done by men, for women.
i could go on and on. and on and on.
until we get to a place when what is viewed as traditional 'female' is not viewed as less, we won't conquer the issue of gender favouritism. we all need to examen how we react to the above issues, and more. how we are willing to excuse the poor treatment of women and girls... and men who choose to embrace the 'feminine' parts of themselves. we really need to get rid of the boxes. as much as we can.
Tuesday, 20 October 2015
questions on feminism
I was going to title this top questions, but, the truth is, there are really only two things people ask me when they hear I am a feminist.
1. do you hate men (or do you hate ALL men?)
2. do you shave your legs?
Basically, my feminism, my social, political and very personal and fundamental beleif is reduced to how I feel about men and how I groom myself.
My looks.
Men.
I am angered and depressed that a movement that seeks equality for women, for minorities and for all sexes, a movement that strives to make 'all things' that are deemed feminine and female to not be mocked, looked down on and ridiculed.. a movement that HAS empowered women, this is reduced to being about MEN, and my body.
How, how the ever loving fuck do I explain how offensive that is? How do I calmly refute that, no, in fact I don't hate men, that my grooming habits are MY OWN fucking business and that they have NOTHING to do with feminism?
The comments to and about feminism ALWAYS reinforce the FUCKING NEED for feminism.
Yes. I am upset. Worse? My being upset will ALSO be used against me. No matter what I say, how I say it, or who I am matter. Am I young? I don't know enough. Am I old? I must be bitter. Am I pretty? Then I am an attention seeking bitch. Am I old? Then I am bitter no man wants to fuck me, regardless of if I am straight or not. As some, we are CONSTANTLY reduced in worth when men don't want to fuck us. That seems to be our only value in some forums, and in some groups.
If I am angry, then they say I am irrational. I ask, how is it irrational to be angry in the face of injustice, ridicule and victim blaming?
I am told to just shut up, to wait nicely for change. To be grateful for what we women DO have. I am told on one hand that I am equal to a man, and on the other hand to be grateful for what men have allowed me to have, the rights and privileges that I have are thanks to them. Really? Yup, and they say this with no sense of irony or shame.
No one ever asks WHY I am a feminist, or what it means to me. I am TOLD by men why I am a feminist, yes, but never asked.
1. I am weak and drawn to a group that I feel (falsely) empowers me.
2. I have had some bad experiences with men (though this faction does indeed NOT represent all men) (yet one or two radical feminists DO represent ALL feminists)
3. I resent younger and more attractive women who do get male attention.
How is it possible that people don't see the hypocrisy of telling me NOT ALL MEN while at the same time declaiming feminism as ALL FEMINISTS HATE ALL MEN?
Change doesn't happen because we wait for it.
Telling me that 'I've never experienced sexism (or anything negative)' or that 'I like the way men treat me, and I like a manly man.' does not mean that I am not allowed to want something else for myself.
I would like to see open and honest dialog. I would like to see us asking if we gender is really what we thought / think it is. I would like us asking why, if the sexes are equal, are most things traditionally feminine regarded as less, are looked down on, and are reviled as weak, lower paid, and shameful.
I am really tired of being blamed for false rape claims. Why not blame us feminists for false murder charges? or the national debt? Why rape? Ask THAT question. Why is rape seen as a feminist problem? Shouldn't it be a 'problem' for ALL of us?
1. do you hate men (or do you hate ALL men?)
2. do you shave your legs?
Basically, my feminism, my social, political and very personal and fundamental beleif is reduced to how I feel about men and how I groom myself.
My looks.
Men.
I am angered and depressed that a movement that seeks equality for women, for minorities and for all sexes, a movement that strives to make 'all things' that are deemed feminine and female to not be mocked, looked down on and ridiculed.. a movement that HAS empowered women, this is reduced to being about MEN, and my body.
How, how the ever loving fuck do I explain how offensive that is? How do I calmly refute that, no, in fact I don't hate men, that my grooming habits are MY OWN fucking business and that they have NOTHING to do with feminism?
The comments to and about feminism ALWAYS reinforce the FUCKING NEED for feminism.
Yes. I am upset. Worse? My being upset will ALSO be used against me. No matter what I say, how I say it, or who I am matter. Am I young? I don't know enough. Am I old? I must be bitter. Am I pretty? Then I am an attention seeking bitch. Am I old? Then I am bitter no man wants to fuck me, regardless of if I am straight or not. As some, we are CONSTANTLY reduced in worth when men don't want to fuck us. That seems to be our only value in some forums, and in some groups.
If I am angry, then they say I am irrational. I ask, how is it irrational to be angry in the face of injustice, ridicule and victim blaming?
I am told to just shut up, to wait nicely for change. To be grateful for what we women DO have. I am told on one hand that I am equal to a man, and on the other hand to be grateful for what men have allowed me to have, the rights and privileges that I have are thanks to them. Really? Yup, and they say this with no sense of irony or shame.
No one ever asks WHY I am a feminist, or what it means to me. I am TOLD by men why I am a feminist, yes, but never asked.
1. I am weak and drawn to a group that I feel (falsely) empowers me.
2. I have had some bad experiences with men (though this faction does indeed NOT represent all men) (yet one or two radical feminists DO represent ALL feminists)
3. I resent younger and more attractive women who do get male attention.
How is it possible that people don't see the hypocrisy of telling me NOT ALL MEN while at the same time declaiming feminism as ALL FEMINISTS HATE ALL MEN?
Change doesn't happen because we wait for it.
Telling me that 'I've never experienced sexism (or anything negative)' or that 'I like the way men treat me, and I like a manly man.' does not mean that I am not allowed to want something else for myself.
I would like to see open and honest dialog. I would like to see us asking if we gender is really what we thought / think it is. I would like us asking why, if the sexes are equal, are most things traditionally feminine regarded as less, are looked down on, and are reviled as weak, lower paid, and shameful.
I am really tired of being blamed for false rape claims. Why not blame us feminists for false murder charges? or the national debt? Why rape? Ask THAT question. Why is rape seen as a feminist problem? Shouldn't it be a 'problem' for ALL of us?
Monday, 19 October 2015
identity
Four weeks ago I was laid off of work. I had been there going on ten years, ups and downs, work was a big part of my life.
Late last year my husband and I split.
Mid last year my mom passed away.
I was a wife, daughter and a long term worker. I saw my future mapped out. I was in a marriage that was supposed to last the rest of my life, I was working at a place I thought I might work until I retired. I was someones child.
In less than one year, it all changed. It wasn't all bad. My mom passing, was all bad, no matter what positive shit people say... My marriage ending, well, it is what it is. Losing my job was hard, yet I already have a new now (I start next Monday) I will recover, and life goes on.
BUT... where does that leave me...who am I know? Who are my friends, what do I want, where am I going? Do I date? Will I stay single forever? Do I even want to date? honestly, I don't know. Partly it is exciting in that my life isn't as predictable as I thought it was, and partly it is scary, I get to CHOOSE some things, and others are still beyond my control.
I don't have a mother to call, to blame to anchor myself to. I don't have a mom for mothers day, to ask questions of.. I will never know the stories she had left to tell me, I don't know who gave my grandma the green glass necklace I have, for example, and I have no one to ask.
I do know some things. I am still a mom myself, I am still a feminist and I still have my own story to tell, and, to write, to some degree.
Yet I can't lie. This has been on profoundly hard year. I have had so many things turned upside down. I get a fresh start, and I have had to let some dreams die. I feel very alone, and yet I am not lonely. Does that even make sense?
Wish me luck with this, I am trying, but feeling really worn down.
Late last year my husband and I split.
Mid last year my mom passed away.
I was a wife, daughter and a long term worker. I saw my future mapped out. I was in a marriage that was supposed to last the rest of my life, I was working at a place I thought I might work until I retired. I was someones child.
In less than one year, it all changed. It wasn't all bad. My mom passing, was all bad, no matter what positive shit people say... My marriage ending, well, it is what it is. Losing my job was hard, yet I already have a new now (I start next Monday) I will recover, and life goes on.
BUT... where does that leave me...who am I know? Who are my friends, what do I want, where am I going? Do I date? Will I stay single forever? Do I even want to date? honestly, I don't know. Partly it is exciting in that my life isn't as predictable as I thought it was, and partly it is scary, I get to CHOOSE some things, and others are still beyond my control.
I don't have a mother to call, to blame to anchor myself to. I don't have a mom for mothers day, to ask questions of.. I will never know the stories she had left to tell me, I don't know who gave my grandma the green glass necklace I have, for example, and I have no one to ask.
I do know some things. I am still a mom myself, I am still a feminist and I still have my own story to tell, and, to write, to some degree.
Yet I can't lie. This has been on profoundly hard year. I have had so many things turned upside down. I get a fresh start, and I have had to let some dreams die. I feel very alone, and yet I am not lonely. Does that even make sense?
Wish me luck with this, I am trying, but feeling really worn down.
tired of fighting
hey, this post will be a bit rambling.
i am feeling really down right now. and honestly, it is pretty stupid. the person who has me upset isn't even a very good friend. but, i will be working for her company soon, so, it is a bit complicated.
i was laid off a little while ago, and gained employment with a new company through an old work friend. she does get a bonus for successful hires, so it isn't completely kind of her, though i did appreciate the job lead.
anyway.
she has a real problem with my being a feminist, we have hashed it out through fb messages, but, she keeps posting negative things about feminism.. i know that it is directed at me, she just gets like this. but, i have never been the target of this from her.
now, by itself, it really isn't a big deal, but, i just get so tired of it.
she says i am bitter, and if i could just find a nice man, i wouldn't be so hateful towards men. of course, i explain that i don't hate men.
truth, i am rather used to this from people, but, i never post hateful things about men. anyway.
on top of that, every guy i meet, online dating, has to make an issue out of it as well. i am just so tired of it.. so tired of being asked, do you shave? do you hate men? you just need a good man..
i don't hate men.
and i am tired of dating, it feels like a huge waste of my time.
i have just had enough of explaining myself, of apologizing, of having to defend myself.
i keep telling myself to just shut up, to stop talking to people. i have deactivated my FB account, and i will focus more on writing. though this is a poor example of my writing! it is raw, and not very well thought out.
just really tired of it all.. of fighting.
i am feeling really down right now. and honestly, it is pretty stupid. the person who has me upset isn't even a very good friend. but, i will be working for her company soon, so, it is a bit complicated.
i was laid off a little while ago, and gained employment with a new company through an old work friend. she does get a bonus for successful hires, so it isn't completely kind of her, though i did appreciate the job lead.
anyway.
she has a real problem with my being a feminist, we have hashed it out through fb messages, but, she keeps posting negative things about feminism.. i know that it is directed at me, she just gets like this. but, i have never been the target of this from her.
now, by itself, it really isn't a big deal, but, i just get so tired of it.
she says i am bitter, and if i could just find a nice man, i wouldn't be so hateful towards men. of course, i explain that i don't hate men.
truth, i am rather used to this from people, but, i never post hateful things about men. anyway.
on top of that, every guy i meet, online dating, has to make an issue out of it as well. i am just so tired of it.. so tired of being asked, do you shave? do you hate men? you just need a good man..
i don't hate men.
and i am tired of dating, it feels like a huge waste of my time.
i have just had enough of explaining myself, of apologizing, of having to defend myself.
i keep telling myself to just shut up, to stop talking to people. i have deactivated my FB account, and i will focus more on writing. though this is a poor example of my writing! it is raw, and not very well thought out.
just really tired of it all.. of fighting.
Thursday, 6 August 2015
Women with misogynistic friends. Recipe for disaster?
I wonder, can a feminist be be friends with a misogynist?
A good question. Can I, a feminist, be friends with a person who holds mysoginstic views?
To be clear I have lost friends in the past because of this. I was (what I thought very close to) friends with two women irl and on fb. These women came to my home and we went to club together. We had sleep overs, basically we were quite good friends.
Sadly they often attacked my feminist Facebook posts. Which were actually not that many at the time.
Instead of fighting, I just unfriended them on Facebook. I assumed we would remain friends. In stead they chose to apologize to my male partner and never spoke to me again.
Recently a Nother male friend of mine who is a very outspoken misogynistic man in favor of the patriarchy, asked me if I would stay friends with him if he didn’t change his views.
But he really meant was he was uncomfortable staying friends with me I wouldn’t continually listen to him express himself.
But whatever. I replied that I was willing to remain friends, but that I thought we should stop trying to discuss our views. As I was not going to change mine.
He replied that he of course wanted to understand where I was coming from. It was important to him to understand me as his friend. He thought he would be a better person for listening.
So I replied that he should just do some reading online. That would help him understand where I was coming from.
I sent him a few links to bland but popular feminist articles in major newspapers.
And his response to that was that I didn’t know how to dictate properly, I wasn’t using logic, the articles were horrific to him. And all feminists wanted to do was to cut the balls off if man and the demasculine them.
And this was how he responded to his son, who happens to be my roommate, and a feminist and vegetarian. He then spent the rest the weekend talking about how real man acted and questioned his masculinity.
While his other son, attacked my posts on Facebook, attacking my character. He said I was only drawn to feminism because I was a weak woman. Prone to Anxiety. I was trying to make myself feel stronger.
He felt Real women, strong women, didn’t need feminism.
He did not stop is at attacks until my son stepped in, and then of course, listened to him because he was another male.
So in conclusion, no. I don’t think a feminist can remain friends with someone who has such a hate on for feminists.
Because they cannot put their feelings to the side and try and see another persons point of view or allow a woman to hold a different point of view than their own. That's the problem in the first place isn't it?
I have now decided to not ever try and explain feminism to a mysoginstic man. . He can do his research, and that’s that
A good question. Can I, a feminist, be friends with a person who holds mysoginstic views?
To be clear I have lost friends in the past because of this. I was (what I thought very close to) friends with two women irl and on fb. These women came to my home and we went to club together. We had sleep overs, basically we were quite good friends.
Sadly they often attacked my feminist Facebook posts. Which were actually not that many at the time.
Instead of fighting, I just unfriended them on Facebook. I assumed we would remain friends. In stead they chose to apologize to my male partner and never spoke to me again.
Recently a Nother male friend of mine who is a very outspoken misogynistic man in favor of the patriarchy, asked me if I would stay friends with him if he didn’t change his views.
But he really meant was he was uncomfortable staying friends with me I wouldn’t continually listen to him express himself.
But whatever. I replied that I was willing to remain friends, but that I thought we should stop trying to discuss our views. As I was not going to change mine.
He replied that he of course wanted to understand where I was coming from. It was important to him to understand me as his friend. He thought he would be a better person for listening.
So I replied that he should just do some reading online. That would help him understand where I was coming from.
I sent him a few links to bland but popular feminist articles in major newspapers.
And his response to that was that I didn’t know how to dictate properly, I wasn’t using logic, the articles were horrific to him. And all feminists wanted to do was to cut the balls off if man and the demasculine them.
And this was how he responded to his son, who happens to be my roommate, and a feminist and vegetarian. He then spent the rest the weekend talking about how real man acted and questioned his masculinity.
While his other son, attacked my posts on Facebook, attacking my character. He said I was only drawn to feminism because I was a weak woman. Prone to Anxiety. I was trying to make myself feel stronger.
He felt Real women, strong women, didn’t need feminism.
He did not stop is at attacks until my son stepped in, and then of course, listened to him because he was another male.
So in conclusion, no. I don’t think a feminist can remain friends with someone who has such a hate on for feminists.
Because they cannot put their feelings to the side and try and see another persons point of view or allow a woman to hold a different point of view than their own. That's the problem in the first place isn't it?
I have now decided to not ever try and explain feminism to a mysoginstic man. . He can do his research, and that’s that
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)