One resounding and repeating message we receive as women;
be less in order to be good enough.
bodies
we need to weigh less, and be critiqued that we are too caught up in our looks. we need to monitor what we eat, in order to weigh less, resulting in our being accused with having an eating problem. if we eat, the same will be said. if we choose to opt out, to not participate in the fixation on our bodies, our weight, we will be punished. how? if we end up 'too' fat, less clothing options, and public and private ridicule, for starters. after that it will impact everything from our work to our health care.
sex
we need to have less sex, but we need to have more sex. less sex with people of our choosing, more sex with people that others choose for us. this one is pretty straight forward. slut shaming is real, and, lets not lie to ourselves, we have ALL participated in it. it doesn't mean we all need to CONTINUE participating in it.
capabilities
we need to not 'show' men up. if we happen to be handy, smart, or anything else a man might want to be, we need to not 'brag'. we need to let men take credit for the 'manly' things we do.. and by manly, we mean anything that men respect. if you are at work, and a man takes credit for your 'logic' that is okay, as men just logic better. besides, if not for a man allowing us women to be at work, we wouldn't even be there! at a home, if we women happen to be handy or even stronger than our men folks, we need to let them take credit for it. trust me, it won't be hard. everyone will assume that he did it anyway. and, gods forbid you are allowed to take credit for your 'manly' work, you will have to make up for it, by being extra girly in other ways.. maybe wear lots of makeup, cook lots, and take the jeering that will come along with your usurping your man. if anyone even believes you. doubtful they will. if they do, they will also feel a bit sorry for your man.
however
if he does 'womanly' things, like actually look after his own kids, you will be made to feel badly that he had to. after all, isn't that your job? gods forbid he changes diapers, and if he does, he will in all likely hood receive sainthood for it. as well he deserves, for babysitting is kids.. my gods woman, the nerve!!
space
if we women get a space, like say, a craft/hobby/sewing room, we express our gratitude by making things. we cannot spend our time doing nothing! we probably spend tons of time shopping and spending our mens money anyway! lol!!
men, they get a man cave in which they do.. nothing. they watch tv, play games, maybe they tie flies, maybe they have a garage and build / fix things.. if they do, they will no doubt equate the kitchen as our domain.
we need to apologize if the do take up space, we need to atone. from sitting down on public transit, where we keep all limbs as close to our body as we can, saying sorry when we do ask for the seat blocked by others... we contort and squeeze ourselves into the space left for us. we say sorry.
we understand men naturally take up more space. we make fun of women who demand the same. we accuse them of being whiny. we point fingers at them. we negate their experiences and call into question their ability to 'reason' and 'logic'.
history
i am not sure how much i need to actually say about this. men feature predominantly in our history lessons, books, art, and knowledge. we are told, of course, it is because women don't do anything noteworthy, only to find out that they do.. and then again, we are told that they only did because men allowed, facilitated or supported us in doing so. as if any man acted in a bubble of complete self reliance. but we cannot questions to much, or we again, are told we are irrational, and have no place in academia if we can't control our emotions.
emotions
men are allowed to be passionate, moody, and even violent in the name of emotions. love, sports, territory, family or just stress justify a mans (usually violent or aggressive) expression of emotions. we women, we are told to get a grip, take control of ourselves, and even to 'see things his way' when we express ourselves. or we are ridiculed. don't believe me?
take a sporting event. watch the men. see them freak out? riot even?
take a boy band. watch women crying, make fun of the emotion.
what is the difference? we place more value on the entertainment when done by men, for men, than when it is done by men, for women.
i could go on and on. and on and on.
until we get to a place when what is viewed as traditional 'female' is not viewed as less, we won't conquer the issue of gender favouritism. we all need to examen how we react to the above issues, and more. how we are willing to excuse the poor treatment of women and girls... and men who choose to embrace the 'feminine' parts of themselves. we really need to get rid of the boxes. as much as we can.
Friday, 23 October 2015
Tuesday, 20 October 2015
questions on feminism
I was going to title this top questions, but, the truth is, there are really only two things people ask me when they hear I am a feminist.
1. do you hate men (or do you hate ALL men?)
2. do you shave your legs?
Basically, my feminism, my social, political and very personal and fundamental beleif is reduced to how I feel about men and how I groom myself.
My looks.
Men.
I am angered and depressed that a movement that seeks equality for women, for minorities and for all sexes, a movement that strives to make 'all things' that are deemed feminine and female to not be mocked, looked down on and ridiculed.. a movement that HAS empowered women, this is reduced to being about MEN, and my body.
How, how the ever loving fuck do I explain how offensive that is? How do I calmly refute that, no, in fact I don't hate men, that my grooming habits are MY OWN fucking business and that they have NOTHING to do with feminism?
The comments to and about feminism ALWAYS reinforce the FUCKING NEED for feminism.
Yes. I am upset. Worse? My being upset will ALSO be used against me. No matter what I say, how I say it, or who I am matter. Am I young? I don't know enough. Am I old? I must be bitter. Am I pretty? Then I am an attention seeking bitch. Am I old? Then I am bitter no man wants to fuck me, regardless of if I am straight or not. As some, we are CONSTANTLY reduced in worth when men don't want to fuck us. That seems to be our only value in some forums, and in some groups.
If I am angry, then they say I am irrational. I ask, how is it irrational to be angry in the face of injustice, ridicule and victim blaming?
I am told to just shut up, to wait nicely for change. To be grateful for what we women DO have. I am told on one hand that I am equal to a man, and on the other hand to be grateful for what men have allowed me to have, the rights and privileges that I have are thanks to them. Really? Yup, and they say this with no sense of irony or shame.
No one ever asks WHY I am a feminist, or what it means to me. I am TOLD by men why I am a feminist, yes, but never asked.
1. I am weak and drawn to a group that I feel (falsely) empowers me.
2. I have had some bad experiences with men (though this faction does indeed NOT represent all men) (yet one or two radical feminists DO represent ALL feminists)
3. I resent younger and more attractive women who do get male attention.
How is it possible that people don't see the hypocrisy of telling me NOT ALL MEN while at the same time declaiming feminism as ALL FEMINISTS HATE ALL MEN?
Change doesn't happen because we wait for it.
Telling me that 'I've never experienced sexism (or anything negative)' or that 'I like the way men treat me, and I like a manly man.' does not mean that I am not allowed to want something else for myself.
I would like to see open and honest dialog. I would like to see us asking if we gender is really what we thought / think it is. I would like us asking why, if the sexes are equal, are most things traditionally feminine regarded as less, are looked down on, and are reviled as weak, lower paid, and shameful.
I am really tired of being blamed for false rape claims. Why not blame us feminists for false murder charges? or the national debt? Why rape? Ask THAT question. Why is rape seen as a feminist problem? Shouldn't it be a 'problem' for ALL of us?
1. do you hate men (or do you hate ALL men?)
2. do you shave your legs?
Basically, my feminism, my social, political and very personal and fundamental beleif is reduced to how I feel about men and how I groom myself.
My looks.
Men.
I am angered and depressed that a movement that seeks equality for women, for minorities and for all sexes, a movement that strives to make 'all things' that are deemed feminine and female to not be mocked, looked down on and ridiculed.. a movement that HAS empowered women, this is reduced to being about MEN, and my body.
How, how the ever loving fuck do I explain how offensive that is? How do I calmly refute that, no, in fact I don't hate men, that my grooming habits are MY OWN fucking business and that they have NOTHING to do with feminism?
The comments to and about feminism ALWAYS reinforce the FUCKING NEED for feminism.
Yes. I am upset. Worse? My being upset will ALSO be used against me. No matter what I say, how I say it, or who I am matter. Am I young? I don't know enough. Am I old? I must be bitter. Am I pretty? Then I am an attention seeking bitch. Am I old? Then I am bitter no man wants to fuck me, regardless of if I am straight or not. As some, we are CONSTANTLY reduced in worth when men don't want to fuck us. That seems to be our only value in some forums, and in some groups.
If I am angry, then they say I am irrational. I ask, how is it irrational to be angry in the face of injustice, ridicule and victim blaming?
I am told to just shut up, to wait nicely for change. To be grateful for what we women DO have. I am told on one hand that I am equal to a man, and on the other hand to be grateful for what men have allowed me to have, the rights and privileges that I have are thanks to them. Really? Yup, and they say this with no sense of irony or shame.
No one ever asks WHY I am a feminist, or what it means to me. I am TOLD by men why I am a feminist, yes, but never asked.
1. I am weak and drawn to a group that I feel (falsely) empowers me.
2. I have had some bad experiences with men (though this faction does indeed NOT represent all men) (yet one or two radical feminists DO represent ALL feminists)
3. I resent younger and more attractive women who do get male attention.
How is it possible that people don't see the hypocrisy of telling me NOT ALL MEN while at the same time declaiming feminism as ALL FEMINISTS HATE ALL MEN?
Change doesn't happen because we wait for it.
Telling me that 'I've never experienced sexism (or anything negative)' or that 'I like the way men treat me, and I like a manly man.' does not mean that I am not allowed to want something else for myself.
I would like to see open and honest dialog. I would like to see us asking if we gender is really what we thought / think it is. I would like us asking why, if the sexes are equal, are most things traditionally feminine regarded as less, are looked down on, and are reviled as weak, lower paid, and shameful.
I am really tired of being blamed for false rape claims. Why not blame us feminists for false murder charges? or the national debt? Why rape? Ask THAT question. Why is rape seen as a feminist problem? Shouldn't it be a 'problem' for ALL of us?
Monday, 19 October 2015
identity
Four weeks ago I was laid off of work. I had been there going on ten years, ups and downs, work was a big part of my life.
Late last year my husband and I split.
Mid last year my mom passed away.
I was a wife, daughter and a long term worker. I saw my future mapped out. I was in a marriage that was supposed to last the rest of my life, I was working at a place I thought I might work until I retired. I was someones child.
In less than one year, it all changed. It wasn't all bad. My mom passing, was all bad, no matter what positive shit people say... My marriage ending, well, it is what it is. Losing my job was hard, yet I already have a new now (I start next Monday) I will recover, and life goes on.
BUT... where does that leave me...who am I know? Who are my friends, what do I want, where am I going? Do I date? Will I stay single forever? Do I even want to date? honestly, I don't know. Partly it is exciting in that my life isn't as predictable as I thought it was, and partly it is scary, I get to CHOOSE some things, and others are still beyond my control.
I don't have a mother to call, to blame to anchor myself to. I don't have a mom for mothers day, to ask questions of.. I will never know the stories she had left to tell me, I don't know who gave my grandma the green glass necklace I have, for example, and I have no one to ask.
I do know some things. I am still a mom myself, I am still a feminist and I still have my own story to tell, and, to write, to some degree.
Yet I can't lie. This has been on profoundly hard year. I have had so many things turned upside down. I get a fresh start, and I have had to let some dreams die. I feel very alone, and yet I am not lonely. Does that even make sense?
Wish me luck with this, I am trying, but feeling really worn down.
Late last year my husband and I split.
Mid last year my mom passed away.
I was a wife, daughter and a long term worker. I saw my future mapped out. I was in a marriage that was supposed to last the rest of my life, I was working at a place I thought I might work until I retired. I was someones child.
In less than one year, it all changed. It wasn't all bad. My mom passing, was all bad, no matter what positive shit people say... My marriage ending, well, it is what it is. Losing my job was hard, yet I already have a new now (I start next Monday) I will recover, and life goes on.
BUT... where does that leave me...who am I know? Who are my friends, what do I want, where am I going? Do I date? Will I stay single forever? Do I even want to date? honestly, I don't know. Partly it is exciting in that my life isn't as predictable as I thought it was, and partly it is scary, I get to CHOOSE some things, and others are still beyond my control.
I don't have a mother to call, to blame to anchor myself to. I don't have a mom for mothers day, to ask questions of.. I will never know the stories she had left to tell me, I don't know who gave my grandma the green glass necklace I have, for example, and I have no one to ask.
I do know some things. I am still a mom myself, I am still a feminist and I still have my own story to tell, and, to write, to some degree.
Yet I can't lie. This has been on profoundly hard year. I have had so many things turned upside down. I get a fresh start, and I have had to let some dreams die. I feel very alone, and yet I am not lonely. Does that even make sense?
Wish me luck with this, I am trying, but feeling really worn down.
tired of fighting
hey, this post will be a bit rambling.
i am feeling really down right now. and honestly, it is pretty stupid. the person who has me upset isn't even a very good friend. but, i will be working for her company soon, so, it is a bit complicated.
i was laid off a little while ago, and gained employment with a new company through an old work friend. she does get a bonus for successful hires, so it isn't completely kind of her, though i did appreciate the job lead.
anyway.
she has a real problem with my being a feminist, we have hashed it out through fb messages, but, she keeps posting negative things about feminism.. i know that it is directed at me, she just gets like this. but, i have never been the target of this from her.
now, by itself, it really isn't a big deal, but, i just get so tired of it.
she says i am bitter, and if i could just find a nice man, i wouldn't be so hateful towards men. of course, i explain that i don't hate men.
truth, i am rather used to this from people, but, i never post hateful things about men. anyway.
on top of that, every guy i meet, online dating, has to make an issue out of it as well. i am just so tired of it.. so tired of being asked, do you shave? do you hate men? you just need a good man..
i don't hate men.
and i am tired of dating, it feels like a huge waste of my time.
i have just had enough of explaining myself, of apologizing, of having to defend myself.
i keep telling myself to just shut up, to stop talking to people. i have deactivated my FB account, and i will focus more on writing. though this is a poor example of my writing! it is raw, and not very well thought out.
just really tired of it all.. of fighting.
i am feeling really down right now. and honestly, it is pretty stupid. the person who has me upset isn't even a very good friend. but, i will be working for her company soon, so, it is a bit complicated.
i was laid off a little while ago, and gained employment with a new company through an old work friend. she does get a bonus for successful hires, so it isn't completely kind of her, though i did appreciate the job lead.
anyway.
she has a real problem with my being a feminist, we have hashed it out through fb messages, but, she keeps posting negative things about feminism.. i know that it is directed at me, she just gets like this. but, i have never been the target of this from her.
now, by itself, it really isn't a big deal, but, i just get so tired of it.
she says i am bitter, and if i could just find a nice man, i wouldn't be so hateful towards men. of course, i explain that i don't hate men.
truth, i am rather used to this from people, but, i never post hateful things about men. anyway.
on top of that, every guy i meet, online dating, has to make an issue out of it as well. i am just so tired of it.. so tired of being asked, do you shave? do you hate men? you just need a good man..
i don't hate men.
and i am tired of dating, it feels like a huge waste of my time.
i have just had enough of explaining myself, of apologizing, of having to defend myself.
i keep telling myself to just shut up, to stop talking to people. i have deactivated my FB account, and i will focus more on writing. though this is a poor example of my writing! it is raw, and not very well thought out.
just really tired of it all.. of fighting.
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