My mom passed away almost two years ago. I have to say I am really tired of crying.
I used to call my mom when I was in the bathtub. Now, I just cry in the tub. It makes me sound more morose and depressed than I am. I do mourn her, and I always knew it would be hard to lose her. A large part to do with the fact that we had such a difficult relationship. It was never easy between us.
I was really hard on her, and un forgiving in some ways, and in other ways I dismissed the real harm she did to me. As a mom, she was hit and miss.
I didn't want to focus on her failings. Rather, now that she is gone, I see how alike we were. Why couldn't I see that when she was alive? Why is it only now that I see how connected we were? Was it because it was too hard to admit that I was at all like the mother, the woman, that failed me and had such a mess of a life?
Probably. Partly? I am sure that has something to do with it. At the same time, we just have no idea how we will mourn, how grief will hit us. It is impossible to anticipate how our grief will express itself.
For me, I keep finding ways that help me understand her. After Craig left, as hard as it was, I was so relieved. I just wanted peace and quiet.... and I finally had it. How could I have not seen how much he took from me? A year and a half later, I am just as happy to be alone as I was when he left. I love sleeping alone, and not having anyone, specifically Craig, telling me what to do, sighing his disapproval, making me account and quietly squashing me to conform to a shape that made him not feel threatened.
I love walking around my place, seeing myself in how I decorate and MY stuff. MY PLACE. My closet, my dressers. I make coffee when I WANT TO. I spend MY money on what I WANT. I do the dishes when I feel like it. Are you feeling me? I never feel lonely, I like my space and I enjoy running my life how I want.. well, mostly.. I still have to work and pay my bills.
Like when I got laid off, I was able to focus on myself, not on how Craig felt, or what he was worried about, or jumping to console and comfort him. Instead, I could just ignore how I felt till I was ready to process it.
What really strikes me now, is how after my dad and my split, she had zero interest in dating or meeting a man. I never understood how she wasn't lonely, how she didn't want to try again. I asked her, but she never said much, just that she wasn't lonely for a man. At the time, she was still young, and I could not fathom how she didn't want to try again. To meet someone she could love and get along with. I never knew, till now, that she was simply too drained. The idea of ending up with another man, who would only take, and give so little, was not appealing to her.
I have tried dating, but men just take so much! They demand by their very presence that we as women give give give. Understand them, explain ourselves to them, explain themselves to them, that we pare ourselves down so as to add substance by contrast to them.
It's not that I hate men, it is more that no matter how optimistic I am, no matter how I try and say to myself that a decent man is out there.. they just keep acting.. like men.
AND. then, again, it hits me, THIS is how my mom felt. Even if she did not put into words for herself, this is it. How did I miss it? How was I so blind?
Without losing her, and my marriage, I guess there was no way for me to see it. Now that I feel confidant and sure of myself, I can't take the watering down of myself that is needed to be with a man. They always need to be top dog, the smartest, the best, the most capable, the one that lowers themselves to help the little woman.
My mom was stronger than I gave her credit for. She was more than she appeared to be, she just had no way to tell me that, and I was unable to see past myself to see her.
Now, now I do, at least as much as anyone can see someone.
And now, I know how much my son will mourn me when I am gone. And. There is nothing I can do to help him, he will have to grieve me alone.
I guess that is the hardest part. We have to mourn the loss of our loved ones, without them. The mourning just further highlights how much they did for us, that we, that I, never saw.
In her own way, she was there for me as much as she could be. And I never saw that. I missed seeing so much.
