So here we are in the 2018. Haven’t been here for a while and a lot has changed. Rather than a torrent of changes let’s just talk a little bit about The changes to my work situation. That’s pretty straightforward right?
Last time we talked I was a little bit sad about things but for 13 months I was able to work for a lovely little start up company. The CEO was a pretty typical demanding guy but the rest the staff was relatively amazing. After that I transitioned into another job that I’ve had the past six months. So ta da!
The start up company job wasn’t heavy work wise, but the CEO was a bit demanding. He treated me more like a personal assistant than a professional employee. He was one of those okay people, not stellar, like he was one of those guys who like to tell jokes about women during staff meetings and have me mail his weed to his house on company time and dime. The typ to make sure that he takes all the travel assignments even when it’s not applicable just because he likes to travel. For example instead of the salesman and marketing going to conferences he would, of course this resulted in no leads or sales but he did get to travel. That’s what was important.
He was the kind a guy that you had to constantly assure him that he was a nice person and that the ridiculous things he was asking of you were not ridiculous.
He was the kind of guy who assumed everything he asked you to do only took five minutes. Of course if he had to do it it would take more time and be more complex and obviously require more skill. It was never said outright of course, but it was implied in the way he would ask everything. And the way he would be surprised it took longer than five minutes to do. And then tell you not to do it and then complain that you didn’t do it. So you were forced to tell him everything only took five minutes and was easy. Just to make him feel better.
Did he expect this from the men? No not really. He generally treated the men who were most like him like equals. Even if it was pointed out to him he couldn’t see it because he didn’t have to. The amount of emotional labour I had to put into that job was stupendous. It left me exhausted and demoralized. Luckily it was only a 50% of my job And the other 50% was very rewarding. Yes, the senior women in the company knew what it was like to be a woman and work there, The women did all of the planning and all of the cleaning. This was stated out loud in meetings and after meetings and during meetings. The men would good-naturedly pick up a few things of coarse they were decent people. But at the end of the day the emotional labour expected of the women to plan and organize and execute then direct the help needed from the men of the men at the same seniority level was exhausting and ridiculous.
The amount of times that the CEO assumed a Hearty thank you would make up for all of this was beyond counting. So even though this was a good job with decent pay and relatively wonderful people the sexism was still there and extremely obvious. And not dealt with apart from being joked about.
Friday, 16 February 2018
Wednesday, 29 June 2016
jobless
So here I am, with no job...
How did I get here??
I was working as a receptionist at a large Vancouver company when I got hit by one of many rounds of lay offs, September 2015. A couple of weeks after I was let go, I had a new job. It seemed pretty easy. An old friend, who left my company years ago, said her company was hiring. Easy peasy, good fit, same job, just a lot slower, and less duties.
BUT I wasn't loving it. I lasted seven months and found a new job, with another old work friend.
I would love to tell you all about how horrible that was, but, I am just too tired. Too worn out.
I have been applying for work, had a fair amount of interviews, but, in one weeks time, I am just as unemployed as the day I quit.. yah, I just quit.
What is worrying me, is that something is wrong with me. It was very impulsive of me to just quit, what the hell is wrong with me? I am kinda dizzy, sometimes I kind of fall over.. and today, I put a shirt on, and had no idea what shirt I was wearing until close to 3pm today. And, it was one of my
favourite t shirts. That really concerns me.
Not much I can do though, but keep going on, keep trying to find work.
I have no savings, though in the last year I have had some money (not tons) come my way, instead I just spent it on stuff, clothes, makeup, and things for the house. Not bad purchases, but certainly not needed... oh, and a lap top, paid some of my sons debt down.. I mean, not bad, but I could have been way more frugal.
Honestly, I am barely keeping it together a lot of the time. This past March I was very close to just ending it all, but, I didn't. I can't really tell anyone it is that bad, it won't do any good, and just burden them. It's not like they can do anything for me. I have good friends, but I have been isolating myself, and that worries me, but again, I can't seem to stop.
Self care has been hard. I have been keeping clean, and getting up in the mornings. I am not sure what I am supposed to do, but, keep on keeping on. I apply for jobs, I go to interviews and I tell myself if I had a good job, it would help, I would be fine.
I am not sure that is true, but maybe it would help?
How did I get here??
I was working as a receptionist at a large Vancouver company when I got hit by one of many rounds of lay offs, September 2015. A couple of weeks after I was let go, I had a new job. It seemed pretty easy. An old friend, who left my company years ago, said her company was hiring. Easy peasy, good fit, same job, just a lot slower, and less duties.
BUT I wasn't loving it. I lasted seven months and found a new job, with another old work friend.
I would love to tell you all about how horrible that was, but, I am just too tired. Too worn out.
I have been applying for work, had a fair amount of interviews, but, in one weeks time, I am just as unemployed as the day I quit.. yah, I just quit.
What is worrying me, is that something is wrong with me. It was very impulsive of me to just quit, what the hell is wrong with me? I am kinda dizzy, sometimes I kind of fall over.. and today, I put a shirt on, and had no idea what shirt I was wearing until close to 3pm today. And, it was one of my
favourite t shirts. That really concerns me.
Not much I can do though, but keep going on, keep trying to find work.
I have no savings, though in the last year I have had some money (not tons) come my way, instead I just spent it on stuff, clothes, makeup, and things for the house. Not bad purchases, but certainly not needed... oh, and a lap top, paid some of my sons debt down.. I mean, not bad, but I could have been way more frugal.
Honestly, I am barely keeping it together a lot of the time. This past March I was very close to just ending it all, but, I didn't. I can't really tell anyone it is that bad, it won't do any good, and just burden them. It's not like they can do anything for me. I have good friends, but I have been isolating myself, and that worries me, but again, I can't seem to stop.
Self care has been hard. I have been keeping clean, and getting up in the mornings. I am not sure what I am supposed to do, but, keep on keeping on. I apply for jobs, I go to interviews and I tell myself if I had a good job, it would help, I would be fine.
I am not sure that is true, but maybe it would help?
Saturday, 21 May 2016
Mourning my mother
My mom passed away almost two years ago. I have to say I am really tired of crying.
I used to call my mom when I was in the bathtub. Now, I just cry in the tub. It makes me sound more morose and depressed than I am. I do mourn her, and I always knew it would be hard to lose her. A large part to do with the fact that we had such a difficult relationship. It was never easy between us.
I was really hard on her, and un forgiving in some ways, and in other ways I dismissed the real harm she did to me. As a mom, she was hit and miss.
I didn't want to focus on her failings. Rather, now that she is gone, I see how alike we were. Why couldn't I see that when she was alive? Why is it only now that I see how connected we were? Was it because it was too hard to admit that I was at all like the mother, the woman, that failed me and had such a mess of a life?
Probably. Partly? I am sure that has something to do with it. At the same time, we just have no idea how we will mourn, how grief will hit us. It is impossible to anticipate how our grief will express itself.
For me, I keep finding ways that help me understand her. After Craig left, as hard as it was, I was so relieved. I just wanted peace and quiet.... and I finally had it. How could I have not seen how much he took from me? A year and a half later, I am just as happy to be alone as I was when he left. I love sleeping alone, and not having anyone, specifically Craig, telling me what to do, sighing his disapproval, making me account and quietly squashing me to conform to a shape that made him not feel threatened.
I love walking around my place, seeing myself in how I decorate and MY stuff. MY PLACE. My closet, my dressers. I make coffee when I WANT TO. I spend MY money on what I WANT. I do the dishes when I feel like it. Are you feeling me? I never feel lonely, I like my space and I enjoy running my life how I want.. well, mostly.. I still have to work and pay my bills.
Like when I got laid off, I was able to focus on myself, not on how Craig felt, or what he was worried about, or jumping to console and comfort him. Instead, I could just ignore how I felt till I was ready to process it.
What really strikes me now, is how after my dad and my split, she had zero interest in dating or meeting a man. I never understood how she wasn't lonely, how she didn't want to try again. I asked her, but she never said much, just that she wasn't lonely for a man. At the time, she was still young, and I could not fathom how she didn't want to try again. To meet someone she could love and get along with. I never knew, till now, that she was simply too drained. The idea of ending up with another man, who would only take, and give so little, was not appealing to her.
I have tried dating, but men just take so much! They demand by their very presence that we as women give give give. Understand them, explain ourselves to them, explain themselves to them, that we pare ourselves down so as to add substance by contrast to them.
It's not that I hate men, it is more that no matter how optimistic I am, no matter how I try and say to myself that a decent man is out there.. they just keep acting.. like men.
AND. then, again, it hits me, THIS is how my mom felt. Even if she did not put into words for herself, this is it. How did I miss it? How was I so blind?
Without losing her, and my marriage, I guess there was no way for me to see it. Now that I feel confidant and sure of myself, I can't take the watering down of myself that is needed to be with a man. They always need to be top dog, the smartest, the best, the most capable, the one that lowers themselves to help the little woman.
My mom was stronger than I gave her credit for. She was more than she appeared to be, she just had no way to tell me that, and I was unable to see past myself to see her.
Now, now I do, at least as much as anyone can see someone.
And now, I know how much my son will mourn me when I am gone. And. There is nothing I can do to help him, he will have to grieve me alone.
I guess that is the hardest part. We have to mourn the loss of our loved ones, without them. The mourning just further highlights how much they did for us, that we, that I, never saw.
In her own way, she was there for me as much as she could be. And I never saw that. I missed seeing so much.
I used to call my mom when I was in the bathtub. Now, I just cry in the tub. It makes me sound more morose and depressed than I am. I do mourn her, and I always knew it would be hard to lose her. A large part to do with the fact that we had such a difficult relationship. It was never easy between us.
I was really hard on her, and un forgiving in some ways, and in other ways I dismissed the real harm she did to me. As a mom, she was hit and miss.
I didn't want to focus on her failings. Rather, now that she is gone, I see how alike we were. Why couldn't I see that when she was alive? Why is it only now that I see how connected we were? Was it because it was too hard to admit that I was at all like the mother, the woman, that failed me and had such a mess of a life?
Probably. Partly? I am sure that has something to do with it. At the same time, we just have no idea how we will mourn, how grief will hit us. It is impossible to anticipate how our grief will express itself.
For me, I keep finding ways that help me understand her. After Craig left, as hard as it was, I was so relieved. I just wanted peace and quiet.... and I finally had it. How could I have not seen how much he took from me? A year and a half later, I am just as happy to be alone as I was when he left. I love sleeping alone, and not having anyone, specifically Craig, telling me what to do, sighing his disapproval, making me account and quietly squashing me to conform to a shape that made him not feel threatened.
I love walking around my place, seeing myself in how I decorate and MY stuff. MY PLACE. My closet, my dressers. I make coffee when I WANT TO. I spend MY money on what I WANT. I do the dishes when I feel like it. Are you feeling me? I never feel lonely, I like my space and I enjoy running my life how I want.. well, mostly.. I still have to work and pay my bills.
Like when I got laid off, I was able to focus on myself, not on how Craig felt, or what he was worried about, or jumping to console and comfort him. Instead, I could just ignore how I felt till I was ready to process it.
What really strikes me now, is how after my dad and my split, she had zero interest in dating or meeting a man. I never understood how she wasn't lonely, how she didn't want to try again. I asked her, but she never said much, just that she wasn't lonely for a man. At the time, she was still young, and I could not fathom how she didn't want to try again. To meet someone she could love and get along with. I never knew, till now, that she was simply too drained. The idea of ending up with another man, who would only take, and give so little, was not appealing to her.
I have tried dating, but men just take so much! They demand by their very presence that we as women give give give. Understand them, explain ourselves to them, explain themselves to them, that we pare ourselves down so as to add substance by contrast to them.
It's not that I hate men, it is more that no matter how optimistic I am, no matter how I try and say to myself that a decent man is out there.. they just keep acting.. like men.
AND. then, again, it hits me, THIS is how my mom felt. Even if she did not put into words for herself, this is it. How did I miss it? How was I so blind?
Without losing her, and my marriage, I guess there was no way for me to see it. Now that I feel confidant and sure of myself, I can't take the watering down of myself that is needed to be with a man. They always need to be top dog, the smartest, the best, the most capable, the one that lowers themselves to help the little woman.
My mom was stronger than I gave her credit for. She was more than she appeared to be, she just had no way to tell me that, and I was unable to see past myself to see her.
Now, now I do, at least as much as anyone can see someone.
And now, I know how much my son will mourn me when I am gone. And. There is nothing I can do to help him, he will have to grieve me alone.
I guess that is the hardest part. We have to mourn the loss of our loved ones, without them. The mourning just further highlights how much they did for us, that we, that I, never saw.
In her own way, she was there for me as much as she could be. And I never saw that. I missed seeing so much.
Sunday, 29 November 2015
biology and attraction
As an 'older' woman dating, who was once a younger woman dating, I can't help but notice the 'trend' of older to much older men preferring to date young women.
The most messaged age for a woman is 26, according to some statistics, and I am sure other studies might quote a slightly younger or older age as THE most desirable, we cannot get past the fact that youth is VERY attractive to a large group of men.
To the point that is is completely normal, and unquestioned that younger women are in fact, THE most desirable.
When I was younger, I assumed when I was older myself, I would understand this fixation on youth, from men.
Well, her I am, 44 with a 27 year old son. And, I am not the least bit sexually attracted to men my sons age. In fact, I have a hard time seeing people more than 7 years up or down from my age as potential partners, or sexually attracted to them.
Now, to be fair, we all have different things that turn our cranks. Some people like youth, some people like nerds, some people like slim, and on and on.. some people even like beards, canes, and vests. Different strokes, and all that. Diversity makes the world interesting.
But, here is where I have issues.
When people argue, BUT SCIENCE!!
These science lovers argue that men are mainly interested in dating younger women as biology dictates they can reproduce with younger and thusly more fertile, women. They can't help it!! It is beyond their control, and completely natural to be attracted to younger women.. cuts BABIES.
Really? REALLY? men LOVERS THEM SOME BABIES. Cuts BIOLOGY!!
If this were true, that NATURE and BIOLOGY dictate that men are attracted to youth because hey just NEED BABIES so badly.. well, what were they doing with their youth? Where they all out having families and BABIES?
man, 'OMG DID you see that hugely pregnant lady! Her husband is the LUCKIEST MAN ever!! I bet that lucky bastard is having TWINS!!!' he enthuses.."why, I would happily work 2 jobs to support a large family, sadly my wife and I have only had 4 children.. and I LOVE THEM SO much.'
Man to his partner 'I think it is time to get little Timmy his first baby doll toy, I think it is only natural that we foster fatherly feelings in him. No doubt he will want a large family, like his dad, lots of babies!!"
Men at the 'water cooler' .. man 1bragging..'my wife is still chubby from our last baby, it almost looks like she is still pregnant..' man 2 'wow you are one lucky man.. my wife only wanted 2 children, and a break in-between... i sure wish she were younger and could have many many more babies. Sadly we we waited a few years to start a family. You were so smart to marry young, even if you have to work double shifts and can't afford decent housing, hobbies or a nice car, IT IS SO worth it to have lots of babies. most natural thing in the world."
And of course, with men JUST LOVING them some babies, we NEVER hear about 'dead beat dads' or a man responding with ANYTHING LESS THAN UNBRIDLED PASSION when his partner announces her pregnancy. CUS BIOLOGY!!
Right? MEN LOVE and NEED them some babies. THAT explains men in their 40s-60s looking to date women in their 20s!! MY GODS this is so simple! how can we deny men babies? Sure, it SEEMS unfair to deny a women her youth having babies for old men, but these men CLEARLY could not have babies in their youth, no doubt they were all locked up and CRUELY PREVENTED from having babies in their own youth. It is only natural they are seeking out younger women, not due to ATTRACTION or social conditioning, but mainly and almost exclusively due to biology.
Yes, it sounds ridiculous. Yet I and other women are supposed to understand then men our age chase women 10-20 years younger. We are told to not be bitter, or silly, it isn't personal, it is BIOLOGY and you can't fight nature!
and the young women subjected to years of unwanted attentions from older men, their feelings and preferences are ignored. they are told to 'be flattered' and to understand, its biology. if you look 'breedable' you have to expect men can't control their urges and will solicit your attentions.
even if you are as young as 12, which is when MANY women start to experience the sexual attentions of older men. Doubt me? Honestly, I don't really care. I have talked to enough women, and, I am a women, and I am telling you, this is pretty standard.
but, do your own research if you need to. I am not doing that here. this is my blog, my opinions. based on my life, my experiences.
moving on. I think we can see that the baby / biology argument is false.
So, why DO men want younger women? Some men are honest enough to say, they simply LIKE the look, the energy, the way younger women make them feel.
Okay, fair enough :)
You like her energy as you yourself have the energy of a 20 year old? Really? I won't even argue this one. If you honestly believe you have that level of energy, go for it. BUT don't shame her into staying home and chilling when she wants to go out, okay?
Men like how a younger woman makes them feel. At least this is honest. Shallow, but honest.
Yet, I think there is another reason men like younger women. IF they only like the energy and 'youthful' looks, they would date young looking, energetic women their own age. BUT....they don't.. they are drawn to the inexperience of the younger women. They want to be with someone who 'doesn't nag them' to get a job, pay a bill, or 'make something' of their lives. They harp on how women their own age are too 'baggy and demanding'.
Really, do a google search why dating a younger women is a good thing...
Men actually admit to this, without shame.
Now, am I upset some immature and possibly irresponsible men want to capitalize on dating a younger woman? Do I think they should be denied this because I find it distasteful?
NO. But I do think we need to stop excusing this behaviour with the cries of 'but biology' and hold men to a higher standard.
From the ill effects we see in hollywood where a woman plays mother to men OLDER than her, to denying the feelings and experiences of young women, this failed thinking and excuse making only hurts decent men, and many many women and young ladies.
The most messaged age for a woman is 26, according to some statistics, and I am sure other studies might quote a slightly younger or older age as THE most desirable, we cannot get past the fact that youth is VERY attractive to a large group of men.
To the point that is is completely normal, and unquestioned that younger women are in fact, THE most desirable.
When I was younger, I assumed when I was older myself, I would understand this fixation on youth, from men.
Well, her I am, 44 with a 27 year old son. And, I am not the least bit sexually attracted to men my sons age. In fact, I have a hard time seeing people more than 7 years up or down from my age as potential partners, or sexually attracted to them.
Now, to be fair, we all have different things that turn our cranks. Some people like youth, some people like nerds, some people like slim, and on and on.. some people even like beards, canes, and vests. Different strokes, and all that. Diversity makes the world interesting.
But, here is where I have issues.
When people argue, BUT SCIENCE!!
These science lovers argue that men are mainly interested in dating younger women as biology dictates they can reproduce with younger and thusly more fertile, women. They can't help it!! It is beyond their control, and completely natural to be attracted to younger women.. cuts BABIES.
Really? REALLY? men LOVERS THEM SOME BABIES. Cuts BIOLOGY!!
If this were true, that NATURE and BIOLOGY dictate that men are attracted to youth because hey just NEED BABIES so badly.. well, what were they doing with their youth? Where they all out having families and BABIES?
man, 'OMG DID you see that hugely pregnant lady! Her husband is the LUCKIEST MAN ever!! I bet that lucky bastard is having TWINS!!!' he enthuses.."why, I would happily work 2 jobs to support a large family, sadly my wife and I have only had 4 children.. and I LOVE THEM SO much.'
Man to his partner 'I think it is time to get little Timmy his first baby doll toy, I think it is only natural that we foster fatherly feelings in him. No doubt he will want a large family, like his dad, lots of babies!!"
Men at the 'water cooler' .. man 1bragging..'my wife is still chubby from our last baby, it almost looks like she is still pregnant..' man 2 'wow you are one lucky man.. my wife only wanted 2 children, and a break in-between... i sure wish she were younger and could have many many more babies. Sadly we we waited a few years to start a family. You were so smart to marry young, even if you have to work double shifts and can't afford decent housing, hobbies or a nice car, IT IS SO worth it to have lots of babies. most natural thing in the world."
And of course, with men JUST LOVING them some babies, we NEVER hear about 'dead beat dads' or a man responding with ANYTHING LESS THAN UNBRIDLED PASSION when his partner announces her pregnancy. CUS BIOLOGY!!
Right? MEN LOVE and NEED them some babies. THAT explains men in their 40s-60s looking to date women in their 20s!! MY GODS this is so simple! how can we deny men babies? Sure, it SEEMS unfair to deny a women her youth having babies for old men, but these men CLEARLY could not have babies in their youth, no doubt they were all locked up and CRUELY PREVENTED from having babies in their own youth. It is only natural they are seeking out younger women, not due to ATTRACTION or social conditioning, but mainly and almost exclusively due to biology.
Yes, it sounds ridiculous. Yet I and other women are supposed to understand then men our age chase women 10-20 years younger. We are told to not be bitter, or silly, it isn't personal, it is BIOLOGY and you can't fight nature!
and the young women subjected to years of unwanted attentions from older men, their feelings and preferences are ignored. they are told to 'be flattered' and to understand, its biology. if you look 'breedable' you have to expect men can't control their urges and will solicit your attentions.
even if you are as young as 12, which is when MANY women start to experience the sexual attentions of older men. Doubt me? Honestly, I don't really care. I have talked to enough women, and, I am a women, and I am telling you, this is pretty standard.
but, do your own research if you need to. I am not doing that here. this is my blog, my opinions. based on my life, my experiences.
moving on. I think we can see that the baby / biology argument is false.
So, why DO men want younger women? Some men are honest enough to say, they simply LIKE the look, the energy, the way younger women make them feel.
Okay, fair enough :)
You like her energy as you yourself have the energy of a 20 year old? Really? I won't even argue this one. If you honestly believe you have that level of energy, go for it. BUT don't shame her into staying home and chilling when she wants to go out, okay?
Men like how a younger woman makes them feel. At least this is honest. Shallow, but honest.
Yet, I think there is another reason men like younger women. IF they only like the energy and 'youthful' looks, they would date young looking, energetic women their own age. BUT....they don't.. they are drawn to the inexperience of the younger women. They want to be with someone who 'doesn't nag them' to get a job, pay a bill, or 'make something' of their lives. They harp on how women their own age are too 'baggy and demanding'.
Really, do a google search why dating a younger women is a good thing...
Men actually admit to this, without shame.
Now, am I upset some immature and possibly irresponsible men want to capitalize on dating a younger woman? Do I think they should be denied this because I find it distasteful?
NO. But I do think we need to stop excusing this behaviour with the cries of 'but biology' and hold men to a higher standard.
From the ill effects we see in hollywood where a woman plays mother to men OLDER than her, to denying the feelings and experiences of young women, this failed thinking and excuse making only hurts decent men, and many many women and young ladies.
Wednesday, 11 November 2015
My First Sex Toy
Thats correct, I am in my mid forties and have finally taken the plunge, my first vibrator.
The purchase;
one pretty pink, sparkly gel 6.5 vibe vibrator
watermelon heating lube
toy cleaner
water based lube
From Pink Cherry
The Vibe. Battery operated. Smaller than I thought it would be, but, it did the job.
I did some reading online, how to use a vibrator for the first time. It suggested that one prepare oneself for insertion.
Honestly, I have no idea why I waited so long to get one! It was awesome.
I wish i would have gotten one 15 years ago.. at least. I had a G spot orgasim within minutes of use. I was worried it would be awkward to use. you twist the bast to turn it on, and increase the vibrations. It was pretty quiet as well.. important if you don't live alone!
The lube; the Wet, heating watermelon lube, just a small amount, and yet, it does get you in the mood. it does taste sweet, but it is a tiny bit sticky.
There were two water based lubes, one pink cherry brand, the other, I forget. Great idea, again, WHY DID I WAIT SO LONG TO GET LUBE!!!!
I have already ordered a larger vibrator and more lube. I am sure it will be nice to use, if I ever have sex with a person again..LOL
The new vibrator is 7.5 inches..maybe I will let you know....
verdict. Online shopping for sex toys, easy peasy. It really does come in a plain brown box. If you don't have one, GET ONE!! or two. Start smaller, GET LUBE!!! and enjoy.
The purchase;
one pretty pink, sparkly gel 6.5 vibe vibrator
watermelon heating lube
toy cleaner
water based lube
From Pink Cherry
The Vibe. Battery operated. Smaller than I thought it would be, but, it did the job.
I did some reading online, how to use a vibrator for the first time. It suggested that one prepare oneself for insertion.
Honestly, I have no idea why I waited so long to get one! It was awesome.
I wish i would have gotten one 15 years ago.. at least. I had a G spot orgasim within minutes of use. I was worried it would be awkward to use. you twist the bast to turn it on, and increase the vibrations. It was pretty quiet as well.. important if you don't live alone!
The lube; the Wet, heating watermelon lube, just a small amount, and yet, it does get you in the mood. it does taste sweet, but it is a tiny bit sticky.
There were two water based lubes, one pink cherry brand, the other, I forget. Great idea, again, WHY DID I WAIT SO LONG TO GET LUBE!!!!
I have already ordered a larger vibrator and more lube. I am sure it will be nice to use, if I ever have sex with a person again..LOL
The new vibrator is 7.5 inches..maybe I will let you know....
verdict. Online shopping for sex toys, easy peasy. It really does come in a plain brown box. If you don't have one, GET ONE!! or two. Start smaller, GET LUBE!!! and enjoy.
Sunday, 8 November 2015
time passes
Time passes. Marches on. Even after a tragic event, or loss. Time for those of us left, ticks away. You might feel it stands still, yet your mortgage will still be due on the same dates, dinner is still served (and expected if you normally prepare it) at the same time. In short, while time feels different it in fact isn't. You've changed. Not the world, just you. And you won't find many concessions to your grieving.
It can feel surreal to see life go on, after losing a loved one, or going through something traumatic. How? How can we all, how can I, go on after this? But you do. Somehow you do. You might feel numb, not remember doing things, but you do. You do them, you keep going.
Mourning doesn't stop though. You are forever changed. Yet, no one seems to be able to see it. They think that because you are going through the motions, you are okay. And they want you to be okay. No one wants to keep dealing with your grief, least of all you. You want it to be over, and you fear it ending, as it feels like the last you have of your loved one. If it was a traumatic event, you want to be over it, yet, you can't go back to who you were before, and you are angry that you end up left as you are.
you don't want to be changed, to forever see the world differently. You don't want that. You want things to go back to how they were before.
But they can't and you are changed.
It can feel surreal to see life go on, after losing a loved one, or going through something traumatic. How? How can we all, how can I, go on after this? But you do. Somehow you do. You might feel numb, not remember doing things, but you do. You do them, you keep going.
Mourning doesn't stop though. You are forever changed. Yet, no one seems to be able to see it. They think that because you are going through the motions, you are okay. And they want you to be okay. No one wants to keep dealing with your grief, least of all you. You want it to be over, and you fear it ending, as it feels like the last you have of your loved one. If it was a traumatic event, you want to be over it, yet, you can't go back to who you were before, and you are angry that you end up left as you are.
you don't want to be changed, to forever see the world differently. You don't want that. You want things to go back to how they were before.
But they can't and you are changed.
do feminists dye their hair?
Do feminists dye their hair?
the short answer is yes, of course they do. Feminists can and do wear makeup, shave their legs, not shave their legs, dye their hair, have casual sex, are celibate.... you get the idea. In a perfect world, women would be able to choose to do the above mentioned things, and more, depending on what they wanted.
in the real world, however, it is not as straight forward as that. If women choose to NOT do things that are expected of them, there is a price to pay.
Choosing to not dye your hair, for example. When nearly every woman under 64 is dying, or somehow colour treating their hair, it is hard to be one of the few to not do so. You stand out. You look older. You are going to be noticed. And this isn't always bad. If you want to look older, that is. And stand out for it.
Does this mean you HAVE to dye your hair? Of course not.
I am 44, my hair is 70% (or more) white. The rest is dark dark brown. I look about 5ish with it undid. No one questions that I have a grown son. People assume my friend, 12 years younger, is my daughter. Senior citizens hit on me....
At the same time, none of that means I have to dye my hair. No one has a gun, or even a stick, pointed in my direction.
But anyone who thinks that means I really have a choice, is ignoring the bigger picture.
If I ignore that, I am am denying the experiences of myself, and other women.
A better question, though, would be why so very many women dye their hair.
It is costly, time consuming and doesn't actually make us healthier, or have any tangible physical impact on us. It is bad for the environment, and possibly for us as well.
Yet for as long as we have recorded history, we have been dying our hair.
For fun? sometimes. I started dying my hair for fun. I was 14 when my mom brought home my first dye. Flirt, in a dark plum. It coated my dark hair and made it have a purple hue in the sun. I loved it!!!
I started getting a few stray white hairs at 15. By 30 I had to dye my hair to cover the white. And I did.
Recently I decided enough of dying my hair. I let it grow out. I loved it!!!
I loved seeing and feeling my own hair.. for the first time since I was in my teens. It was healthy, thick, and it was cool seeing my own colour.
Until people started assuming I was in my 50's... and even then, I figured it was okay.
I am also dating. And, lets be honest, I am not going to be attracting guys my own age, or even in their 50s, with white hair. Men tend to want to date 5-10 years younger (minimum). That doesn't leave me a lot of men to choose from.
Again, yes, it is a choice. I choose to not shave my legs, I choose to not obsess over my weight, and I chose to not dye my hair.
And I also realized that by those choices, I was seriously limiting the men attracted to me. Something had to give. If I liked it or not..
So I dyed my hair. I have three times the profile views on POF in the first few days of posting pictures of me with none white hair..
(I had one guy who originally wanted to meet me, cancel when he saw the white haired pictures. I posted both dyed and non dyed.. both pictures in the last 6 months. Same weight, glasses and all.. just the hair different. And he said no thanks.. )
the short answer is yes, of course they do. Feminists can and do wear makeup, shave their legs, not shave their legs, dye their hair, have casual sex, are celibate.... you get the idea. In a perfect world, women would be able to choose to do the above mentioned things, and more, depending on what they wanted.
in the real world, however, it is not as straight forward as that. If women choose to NOT do things that are expected of them, there is a price to pay.
Choosing to not dye your hair, for example. When nearly every woman under 64 is dying, or somehow colour treating their hair, it is hard to be one of the few to not do so. You stand out. You look older. You are going to be noticed. And this isn't always bad. If you want to look older, that is. And stand out for it.
Does this mean you HAVE to dye your hair? Of course not.
I am 44, my hair is 70% (or more) white. The rest is dark dark brown. I look about 5ish with it undid. No one questions that I have a grown son. People assume my friend, 12 years younger, is my daughter. Senior citizens hit on me....
But anyone who thinks that means I really have a choice, is ignoring the bigger picture.
If I ignore that, I am am denying the experiences of myself, and other women.
A better question, though, would be why so very many women dye their hair.
It is costly, time consuming and doesn't actually make us healthier, or have any tangible physical impact on us. It is bad for the environment, and possibly for us as well.
Yet for as long as we have recorded history, we have been dying our hair.
For fun? sometimes. I started dying my hair for fun. I was 14 when my mom brought home my first dye. Flirt, in a dark plum. It coated my dark hair and made it have a purple hue in the sun. I loved it!!!
I started getting a few stray white hairs at 15. By 30 I had to dye my hair to cover the white. And I did.
Recently I decided enough of dying my hair. I let it grow out. I loved it!!!
I loved seeing and feeling my own hair.. for the first time since I was in my teens. It was healthy, thick, and it was cool seeing my own colour.
Until people started assuming I was in my 50's... and even then, I figured it was okay.
I am also dating. And, lets be honest, I am not going to be attracting guys my own age, or even in their 50s, with white hair. Men tend to want to date 5-10 years younger (minimum). That doesn't leave me a lot of men to choose from.
Again, yes, it is a choice. I choose to not shave my legs, I choose to not obsess over my weight, and I chose to not dye my hair.
And I also realized that by those choices, I was seriously limiting the men attracted to me. Something had to give. If I liked it or not..
So I dyed my hair. I have three times the profile views on POF in the first few days of posting pictures of me with none white hair..
(I had one guy who originally wanted to meet me, cancel when he saw the white haired pictures. I posted both dyed and non dyed.. both pictures in the last 6 months. Same weight, glasses and all.. just the hair different. And he said no thanks.. )
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