identity

Four weeks ago I was laid off of work. I had been there going on ten years, ups and downs, work was a big part of my life.
Late last year my husband and I split.
Mid last year my mom passed away.

I was a wife, daughter and a long term worker. I saw my future mapped out. I was in a marriage that was supposed to last the rest of my life, I was working at a place I thought I might work until I retired. I was someones child.

In less than one year, it all changed. It wasn't all bad. My mom passing, was all bad, no matter what positive shit people say... My marriage ending, well, it is what it is. Losing my job was hard, yet I already have a new now (I start next Monday) I will recover, and life goes on.

BUT... where does that leave me...who am I know? Who are my friends, what do I want, where am I going? Do I date? Will I stay single forever? Do I even want to date? honestly, I don't know. Partly it is exciting in that my life isn't as predictable as I thought it was, and partly it is scary, I get to CHOOSE some things, and others are still beyond my control.

I don't have a mother to call, to blame to anchor myself to. I don't have a mom for mothers day, to ask questions of.. I will never know the stories she had left to tell me, I don't know who gave my grandma the green glass necklace I have, for example, and I have no one to ask.

I do know some things. I am still a mom myself, I am still a feminist and I still have my own story to tell, and, to write, to some degree.

Yet I can't lie. This has been on profoundly hard year. I have had so many things turned upside down. I get a fresh start, and I have had to let some dreams die. I feel very alone, and yet I am not lonely. Does that even make sense?

Wish me luck with this, I am trying, but feeling really worn down.